Log in

No account? Create an account

early morning

Sheesh, I haven't written in this thing in awhile. I think I only need journals when I have a lot on my mind and no one to express how I'm feeling too. Well let's see me and Julian broke up. I wouldn't call it an official break up cause we still see each other and talk to each other all the time. It's sort of like we're together without calling us "boyfriend and girlfriend". I think that's why I haven't like put any effort into getting back together, because what we're doing now sort of feels like the same thing, except I have more freedom. But the thing is, I haven't done anything with my new freedom yet. I'm still hanging out with Julian and talking to Julian. Hmm...I don't know I think I might like this better in a way, to me it feels like less of a commitment. I know I'm not a person of commitment, even if I do only want to be with Julian, I won't let myself because I'm afraid of all the things in life I might miss out on. That might sound horrible, I'm not sure.

He's been wanting to talk about things, like how I'm feeling about everything. I've been putting it off since we took a break like a month ago. Only because I'm just sdfsdfsdfds gah! I don't want to talk about things. I hate talking about stuff, it's just this disease I have. Anyways, I can tell Julian's friends are happy to be hanging out with Julian more. I'm glad. HAHA. You know what's funny? Yesterday I was talking to Julian about celebrities, asking him which ones he thought were hot. It was sort of funny, before he would never tell me, he'd always just tell me I was the only person he thought was beautiful or "hot" whatever, but yesterday he was like "yeah she's hot" or "yeah she's really attractive". And then he told me who the "2nd" hottest person to him was ...some chick from that movie girl next door. Yeah the 2nd? My ass. I mean it bothered the crap out of me but I could never say anything, and besides technically we're not together so that'd just make me seem like some overly jealous freak. Hmm it'd probably seem like that even if we were in a relationship. Anyways, I looked her up and yeah she's gorgeous. I felt so shitty after that, sorry jubagel I'll never be able to look like that. Geeze, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but maybe he did. He's probably just doing that to get a rise out of me, I think he does that sometimes. Tries to make it all just flow in with our conversation, things to piss me off cause he likes getting that kind of reaction out of me. I have no clue.

Well, I'm starving and I don't think I have much more to talk about, summer's in like two weeks =O. God, how weird is that? I'll be working though and getting a car[: [hopefully, unless something unfortunate happens, which it probably would.] And today I'm going shopping, again. I have to get some shorts and undergarments:D. HAHA. I'm so gay:P Oh geeze a big stack of chocolate chip pancakes sounds pretty good, I'll be whining about having eaten them later...mmm mmm.

some kind of day

So today, me and my boyfriend took a break. It was actually me who instigated it. It's weird though, I do really care about him but I just need my space. It sort of felt like our relationship had turned into something I never thought it would. Every time I'd see him (which was all the time) I felt so annoyed and was, to some extent, dreading the fact that I had to see him. And that is definitely not how a girlfriend is supposed to feel about her boyfriend. We've been dating for about 8 months I'd say this month. It'll be nine next month =O. Well, it would be if we aren't still on a break. I feel like this break will bring us closer together though. If that makes sense. Sounds sort of cheesy to me. I hate feeling like my love life is similar to one of those cheesy chick flick romance movies that all girls think are so cute. Real life is nothing like that and I hate feeling like any aspect of my life relates to that. But, at the same time I don't think I even really want to have a love life at the moment. I mean of course I really care about Julian. Even though people have told me I could do better and things like that ...there's just something about him. He's insanely weird, just like me. But I have to admit everything I love about him like his personality also can drive me insane. Gahhhh. Plus there is an age difference between us. I'm a year older than he is and sometimes it's blatantly obvious how more mature I am than he is. I don't think of myself to be very mature, but I know I am. I wonder where I got that from? I think I'm like way more mature than a lot of girls I know in high school. But what I was talking about was that I'm not sure I want to be in such a serious relationship. I mean I have my whole life ahead of me to be in one, and I'm doubting the fact that Julian could be the person I want to spend my whole life with, but why the heck am I even thinking about spending my life with one person at this age? aslkdjflsdf it's so complicated. I don't know how I feel about anything, that's why I was sort of ready for this break. I just need time to figure things out and to just spend some time away from Julian. We literally spent almost everyday with each other and that has to be unhealthy for anybody at this age. Oh well, I guess over time I'll finally be able to figure out exactly what I want with relationships and love and all that. Geeze why can't things like that just be more simple?



Latest Month

May 2008


RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Taichi Kaminogoya